MIDLIFE & MENTAL HEALTH: Rolling with the Changes
“Hi! How were your holidays? All of my kids just left and I can’t stop crying. I’m not sure if it’s hormones or the emptiness of the house again.” [SEND]
“Hi! I am good. Menopause, empty-nesting, they are both hard- it’s a toss-up! My kids leave for school and work in a few days. I love seeing them, but I am so tired of having a front row seat to their questionable decisions! I know, I know– I just have to zip it and stay in my lane. My tongue hurts from biting it.” [SEND]
“My husband thinks I am crazy with how much time I spend contemplating the worst possible outcomes for my kids, my parents, our retirement, potential car accidents, getting some rare disease, him dying. . .! I never had time to worry about these things before! I must be a joy to live with.” [SEND]
“We’re not talking much right now. He is burned out of his career and keeps talking about retirement, moving, and travelling. I don’t even know who I am or what my purpose is right now. I can’t take any more big changes. My low sex drive isn’t making things any better between us.” [SEND]
“Sex, not with this body! There is no way I am ever going to drop these holiday pounds. And the hot flashes, night sweats, 2-4 am insomnia, morning aches and pains, hair thinning, aging spots– I can’t believe he still wants some of this? Lol!” [SEND]
“What happened to us? We used to manage a whole household, have vibrant careers, run the PTA, chauffeur kids around every day from 3-7, and long for more date nights and free time for ourselves. Now, we have the time and money and instead we sit around depressed, worrying about the future, lamenting the past, and watching our kids chase their dreams.” [SEND]
“I don’t even remember what my dreams were. . .are. But my memory left with my kids and my sex drive, so no surprise there! Lol! I feel so lost and left behind.” [SEND]
“Me too, friend… lost and left behind! Gotta go- I need to drop soup off to my dad while my mom is still in rehab. No idea how I am gonna juggle taking care of them and still work full-time and plan my son’s wedding!” [SEND]
Midlife.
That valley of time between the past and the future, when everything changes. Midlife seems to slowly fade in as kids and parents slowly fade out of our lives. In the words of my favorite 80s band, REO Speedwagon, the world expects us to just “roll with the changes.” But with the mash-up of menopause, glass ceilings, kids launching, caregiving for parents, and empty-nesting, it can feel more like your feet are lodged in thick, gloppy mud, and the world is moving on without you. And that leaves us feeling uneasy, uncertain, unqualified, disconnected, lonely, anxious, and even depressed.
Too many times in this world, we expect a woman to put on superhero cape and do it all with a smile on her face, through self-denial and superhuman strength. Then, when women struggle under the mental and physical load they are carrying, we look down upon them as if they are weak, incapable, or incompetent. For some women, this phase of life is exhilarating, but for many, it is a daunting road of loss, uncontrolled change, and stress. That explains why feelings of anxiety and depression in midlife rise substantially. And yes, your changing hormones and brain fog can intensify these feelings even more.
You are not going crazy!
It is reasonable to feel depressed and even anxious about kids leaving, parents’ ailing health, disconnection in your marriage, and career plateaus. Anticipatory loss and grief are sad. It is unsettling when your body is not as agile, healthy, able to rest, or energetic as it used to be. It is downright scary when you can’t find words, when your memory is dull, and you can’t think as clearly. Uncertainty about your identity and future can make you feel lost, confused, and worried. And everyone else seems to be moving on, and you feel left behind, alone, and stuck.
Middle life is a mentally and emotionally challenging time. It is ok to take off the superhero cape and validate your own struggles. You have permission to take a time out from the rush of life and the role of caregiving and focus on self-care. So, how can you take better care of your mental and emotional health during midlife?
Be compassionate toward yourself. Though women in midlife share many experiences, each has a unique story, life circumstances, and set of challenges. You are figuring out this life stage for the first time, so lower your expectations for perfection and give yourself grace to learn. Don't judge others or yourself! And remember, this too shall pass.
Build a circle of support. Find others at church, in the neighborhood, at work, through community organizations or meet-ups, even online, at the same stage, who can relate, and share your trials and triumphs together. Whether they are old friends or new ones, lending each other a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, encouragement to keep going, and tips for the road untravelled helps you feel less alone and bewildered.
Grieve your losses. It is okay to not like the changes and to miss what used to be. Good things and even not-so-great-at-the-time things (like helping with homework and loads of laundry) are difficult to let go of. Kids leaving, parents dying, relationships ending. . .it is normal to wish it wasn’t happening, to feel sad, to want to turn back time, and to be angry as change is cast upon you. Don’t avoid or suppress your feelings. Express and validate them. Feelings just are, and you deserve comfort.
Accept that change is inevitable. Your body is going to do its thing whether you give it permission or not. Kids grow up and their priorities change. Relationships go through stages. Careers stall and advance. You can either choose to swim upstream and fight the river or ride the wave and enjoy the view.
Embrace joy as much as you can. Not all change is bad or even hard. Search for the rainbows on stormy days. What are some enjoyable things you can do with your time? Dream new dreams. Spend time with people who make you laugh. Get lost in a hobby, a book, or a new place to explore. Seeking joy will help you feel better. You can't wait to feel better to finally seek joy.
Renew your relationships. If you are married, plan dates and rediscover your spouse at this new age and stage. If your kids are young adults, shift from the authority role to a consultant role and begin nurturing a friendship with them. Join clubs, organizations, or teams and make new friends. To feel less alone and left behind, you have to be less alone and advance forward.
Mind your boundaries! With older teens and young adult kids, you need to butt out more. They want freedom and agency to make their own decisions and choose their own life paths and you need to voluntarily give them space or they will push you away. With aging parents, you may need to butt in more. As their faculties decline and their needs increase, you may need to assert guidance and provide resources to keep them well and safe. Boundaries are shifting again and again in this life stage, and it is important to create your own safe space and respect and reinforce the safe space of other family members as well.
Practice self-care. Caregiving at any age and stage can be exhausting. Relinquishing caregiving can leave a void. Be sure to regularly assess your own well-being and care needs, and find ways to get your needs met. Schedule time for rest, rejuvenation, and pampering. Keep a regular sleep routine. Get regular exercise, preferably in fresh air. Eat healthy. Be kind to yourself. Ask for help. Soothe your soul.
Learn new things. One of the best ways to keep your mind and memory sharp is to challenge your brain with novel information and new activities. Read books, take a class (in person or online), try a new skill or hobby, advance your career in a different direction, or travel to new places. Invite your partner along and revive your spark by adding variety to your life.
Stay open to growth. Don’t succumb to being left behind! Life changed, but so can you. Consider ways you want your identity to change. What new life roles could you pursue? Now may be a great time to try a new career or seek a new employer. Maybe you could even go back to school and get a degree. It’s never too late to reinvent yourself. Take an inventory of your strengths, interests, experiences, and goals, and make a plan to move forward! Find a coach to help you chart your course!
Seek help as needed. We are fortunate to have many options for treating physical and mental health ailments. You don’t have to suffer in silence. If you struggle with mobility, consider physical therapy, occupational therapy, chiropractics, or acupuncture. If you're struggling with your appearance, explore beauty products, medical spa treatments, nutrition counseling, skin care, cosmetic procedures, physical training, or weight loss programs. If menopause feels overwhelming, consider hormone replacement. If you need direction or purpose, try out some churches, find a life coach, or get some career counseling. If mood swings, depression, or anxiety inhibit you from functioning well, find a good therapist and psychiatrist. Many people want to help you to become the person you want to be!
Take one day at a time. Change is constant. Though planning helps you to advance toward the prize, it can also distract you from the opportunity that is in front of you. Balance living in the moment with stepping toward your future. This is a phase of life marked by big feelings, and it is wise to proceed with caution and seek feedback when making big decisions. What you feel today may be different tomorrow. Instead of trying to halt change or control it, strive to live your best life right here, right now, as you are, with what you have. And when you feel ready, dream about what you want the next months and years to look like and make it happen!
Midlife is a turning point that beckons a new mindset.
The old has gone, the new has come. Your role is changing. Your identity is evolving. Your relationships are developing. And your whole body is maturing. All of this requires your mind and emotions to roll with the changes. Take this opportunity to memorialize where you have come from and envision where you are headed. Reclaim your life or reinvent yourself, pursue old or new dreams, and embrace freedom and discovery.
And if you feel stuck, we are here to help!
